


Men Are Only Good for One Thing

by anamuan



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Banter, Dragon Age: Inquisition Quest - Here Lies the Abyss, F/M, Flirting, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-19 10:15:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22643320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anamuan/pseuds/anamuan
Summary: "Just because Cullen and I are together doesn't mean you can'tflirtwith him," the Inquisitor responds, the skin around her eyes crinkling with good humour. It gives Hawke a perfect idea.
Relationships: Cullen Rutherford/Female Trevelyan, Female Hawke & Female Inquisitor, Female Hawke & Female Trevelyan, Female Hawke/Cullen Rutherford, Female Inquisitor/Cullen Rutherford
Comments: 11
Kudos: 38





	Men Are Only Good for One Thing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lionheart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionheart/gifts).



The Fade, Hawke decides, is not her favourite place. And the realm of Nightmare? Hawke isn't sure if it's because she's never been here physically before, or if it's something intrinsic to being in the corner of the Fade claimed by a giant demon, but this visit to the Fade is significantly less pleasant than her last. And that time all her friends tried to kill her.

"Inquisitor," Hawke says the second time the Nightmare talks to one of them. "What do you look forward to doing most once you're out of here?"

The Inquisitor pulls some clumps of _something_ out of her hair. The Inquisitor said she saw spiders, though to Hawke the green-tinged gunk looks nothing like spider entrails. "I'm thinking a hot bath," the Inquisitor says, wiping her hands on her breeches. The smears left behind aren't green. Hawke averts her eyes. "And you?"

"I'm not sure, honestly. Something silly and pointless, probably. To forget all of this," she gestures, indicating the pools of water dripping upwards and the graveyard full of their names.

"I'm going to _hit_ something," the Iron Bull growls, but then the Nightmare taunts the Inquisitor with her lost memories again, and another wave of its creatures finds them, and the Iron Bull gets his wish rather sooner than he'd planned.

It's quiet a little while after they kill that batch. The Inquisitor finds a candle in the middle of a pond and lights it, but if anything happens, it isn't pitched for Hawke to hear.

"I used to flirt outrageously with your Commander," Hawke tells the Inquisitor. "All in good fun; he always reacted so well." Hawke splashes through a slightly green puddle."Varric tells me the two of you are something of an item now. Such a pity; that would have been perfect for dispelling this gloom."

The Inquisitor finds a tarot card next to a skeleton. It's the Hanged Man, which Hawke thinks is supposed to mean something about not having a way forward, but since her Kirkwall days, has always felt more like a personal talisman. "Just because Cullen and I are together doesn't mean you can't _flirt_ with him," the Inquisitor responds, the skin around her eyes crinkling with good humour. It gives Hawke a perfect idea.

"Hawke," says the Nightmare, fond, like they're old friends. "Did you think you mattered? Did you think anything you've ever done ever really mattered?"

Hawke grits her teeth. "Inquisitor," she says, pointedly ignoring the noisome pest. "When we kill that thing and go home, why don't we have a little fun with that man of yours?" The Inquisitor actually comes to a full stop and turns to look at Hawke. There's a split-second where Hawke's afraid she's gone too far, but the Inquisitor is looking at her with delighted anticipation, like this is the start of the best joke the Inquisitor has heard in days. Confidence bolstered, Hawke continues. "I could proposition him, and then you walk in and give him a hard time?"

A pair of rage demons erupts from what passes for earth in the Fade. With them comes a parcel of the Nightmare's darling pets. Hawke sends a blast of freezing air at the three closest to her, and the Iron Bull breaks one into pieces with a crushing blow. Yup, nothing like her mother at all.

The Inquisitor calls lightning and fries the last of the _things_. Hawke tries not to look too closely, and ponders the physics of lightning in the Fade. "What if," the Inquisitor says, turning back to Hawke, "you proposition him, and then I walk in, and then you proposition me, too." Her eyes shine with impish glee, mouth turned up in an grin at odds with their situation. "I can practically see his face already!" 

"Boss, can I flirt with him, too?" The Iron Bull asks. "He really knows how to handle a sword." Hawke isn't sure if that's a euphemism or not.

Dorian clears his throat. "Bull, _I_ don't share."

The Iron Bull chuckles. "Understood, Kadan." Something ichorous drips from the blade of his battle ax. It evaporates into green smoke before it hits the ground.

Hawke takes a few steps towards the rift they're heading for. "What do you say we kill that thing and get out of here?" she asks, casting a roguish grin back over her shoulder at the Inquisitor. 

The Inquisitor's spirit blade flares to life from the empty hilt in her hand, and she swings the glowing blade around with a twirl of her wrist. "It's a date."

*

In reality, the first thing Hawke does when she gets back to Skyhold is reassure Varric that she's all in one piece. Varric takes some significant reassuring, though he'd deny it later if anyone asked.

The second thing she does is to take a long bath, because the Inquisitor is a smart woman and she had the right idea there. 

And some time later, when she's had a hot meal and the Inquisitor is _finally_ out of an endless string of meetings, she makes good on her promise and hunts Cullen down in the training grounds, cornering him like a mabari bringing prey to bay. 

"Commander," she greets him. "I'm glad I found you!" She smiles so he doesn't think there's a military emergency, and saunters over to lean against the railing of the sparring ring. "I've been looking all over."

"Hawke, well met," Cullen says, smiling to see her. "What need do you have of me?"

"A very great _need_ indeed, Commander." She gives him a once over and bites the corner of her lip. "Truly one only _you_ can help fulfill," she says, smile pulling into a predatory grin. 

Cullen swallows audibly and goes a little pink across the bridge of his nose. 

"Being a Chantry rebel seems to agree with you," Hawke continues. "You were handsome before, but now that you're free of the Chantry's leash, you're rather devastating. I should have tried harder to get my hooks into you earlier."

Cullen blushes harder. "I— you—" Cullen raises his hands in front of him, as if to physically create a barrier between them. "I'm not saying you're not very handsome and dashing—" One hand flaps through the air like a wounded bird. "Err, charming—and powerful and—but actually—" he breaks off entirely when Trevelyan appears as if by magic (knowing her penchant for fade step, she may actually have), to lean her elbows casually against the railing next to Hawke."Inquisitor, thank the Maker!" he breathes, relaxing in obvious relief.

'What's going on here?" She enquires, mild.

"Inquisitor! I'm glad you could join us." Hawke leans into Trevelyan's side. "I was just propositioning the Commander, for old time's sake," she says, still smiling wolfishly. 

Trevelyan turns to Cullen, eyes wide. "Is that so? Cullen, you never told me you were involved with the _Champion of Kirkwall_ ," she says, convincingly chiding.

He colours _spectacularly_ , practically glowing, and the look on his face says that his greatest wish in that moment is for a fade rift to open exactly where he's standing, and let the demons have him.

"Ah, not involved, more's the pity," Hawke corrects, breezy. "Not for lack of trying on _my_ part, I assure you." She grins sideways at Trevelyan. "He almost dated my cousin, though, and that would have been terribly awkward at family reunions."

"I- I never!" Cullen breaks in to protest, but Trevelyan interrupts.

"Goodness, I'm learning all sorts of interesting things about you today," she says, once more turning wide eyes on Cullen. "All these secrets; I never thought you had it in you."

"I don't—" he sputters, the tips of his ears taking on a molten hue. "I certainly never—"

"Inquisitor, why don't we grab a nice bottle from your barkeeper and go find somewhere more," Hawke darts a sideways glance at Cullen, " _private_ , for me to fill you in on all of Cullen's doings in Kirkwall."

"This is all the most unbelievable slander," Cullen starts to say, but Hawke laughs, laying a suggestive hand on Trevelyan's arm.

"Don't worry, Commander," Hawke says, winking. "I won't tell _all_ your secrets. After all, this is just an excuse to get the Inquisitor to take me up to her room." 

"What!" Cullen exclaims, rocking back on his heels. "You're _propositioning_ the _Inquisitor_?" His voice rises in both decibel and pitch as he grows increasingly agitated. Now both his hands are moving back and forth between the three of them, like he's literally trying to get a handle of the conversation. He's lucky Hawke had found him here instead of in front of an audience. "In front of me! After everything else you've just said!?" 

Hawke shrugs, grin pulling wider as she loops an arm around Trevelyan's waist. "As Isabela always told me, 'Men are only good for one thing. Women are good for at least six.'"

"Goodness!" says the Inquisitor, half turning in Hawke's embrace. "I think I only know five."

Hawke leans in, glancing back at Cullen over her shoulder as she stage whispers in the Inquisitor's ear, "I'd be _delighted_ to show you number six."


End file.
